So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Randomize
