Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
