Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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