I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
