apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
