Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
