I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
