a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
