im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
She even gives head with a lisp.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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