i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
