We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
