please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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