I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
