i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
