so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Randomize
