so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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