You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
