tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
