Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize