Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
