gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
