And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
