Old men and throwing up are my life now.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
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