I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
