Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
