I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Boobs speak an international language.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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