It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Little spoons don't ask big questions
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
