I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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