She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
She told me I should be a condom model.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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