you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
