I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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