the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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