Your tits are I can't wait for
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
