there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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