I haven't been this sober since birth.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
