I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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