What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
