How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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