i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
