Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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