Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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