My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
