Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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