Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
