So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
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