I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
