Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
