he seriously made his penis a facebook.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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