just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
