If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I could fuck to npr.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
