piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
