I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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