Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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