And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
