I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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