I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Randomize
