if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
