You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
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