i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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